Recently I’ve given some thought to an issue that has arisen in some of my own friendships. Of course this blog isn’t an advice column, but I wanted to take a look at a particular part of the friendship dynamic. The issue is: How do we talk to someone about a behavior / choice / activity with concern?

The issue is not quite as simple as it may look. Of course it is infinitely more complex when we talk about involving the other individual’s perception – but just in the context of the potential struggle within ourselves, we might see this potential dilemma.

• It wouldn’t be right for us to give commands to the other person in terms of how they should live their lives. We’d like to respect our friend as a responsible, conscious individual who has their own perspective and makes their own best determinations about what to do.
• It wouldn’t be right for us to go against our best judgement and to withhold a real issue or concern with someone we care for – especially if we wish to voice such a concern in order to benefit our friend or prevent them from harm.

So maybe a friend has has been binge drinking a lot lately, or maybe they have been working on career-oriented projects and not spending as much time with friends, or maybe they haven’t seemed as excited or engaged in their lives anymore. How do we approach the situation and talk to them about the issue?

Giving Them Voice

It has to be mentioned that before confronting the friend about potentially questioning one of their practices or about making a change in their lives and behaviors, it is important to get their perspective first.

In other words, before saying “Hey Jeff, I cam here to tell you that you should stop drinking so much,” its probably more appropriate to say “Jeff, you’re drinking concerned me lately, I wanted to bring up the issue with you as a friend and see when you’re coming from.”

Following this procedure respects the other person in the sense that you are not assuming you understand everything that they do or everything thats going on in their lives. This gives them the opportunity (if they choose to take it) to lay out what’s going on in their lives from their own perspective – which we will respect (as we respect our own judgement in our own lives).

Sometimes, understanding where the other person is coming from clears up any potential issues that may have been looming. Sometimes this is not the case, and we still wish to voice our concern… 

Genuinely Expressing Concern

After giving the other person room to open up on the issue themselves, we can now come forward ourselves – given that our own perspective now includes the perspective of the other person. Now we aren’t coming across like a know-it-all, we’ve taken their side of the story into the equation. 

When we come forward, it is more ethically sound that we do so in the spirit of expressing in concern and not instructing or voicing a command. Again, this person will ultimately make their own decisions as a free and responsible individual. We are bringing an issue to light and not aiming to grab the steering wheel of someone else’s life.

We basically express that there are choices or behaviors that we believe might be detrimental to the person themselves, or to others – and we want to bring some points into their awareness and let them know where we are coming from…

The Ball is in Their Court

Again, all we have done here is given the other person additional thoughts to consider. We haven’t forced them down any paths, only framed our concern from a place of caring.

After the concerns are voiced (either right there or over a span of time), the person we are speaking with will filter your input through their reality and come up with their own conclusions as to what is the best path to take from here.

Sometimes, this choice will not jive with someone’s terms of the friendship, or it will not jive with other commitments – such as mutual business responsibilities. 

If that must be the case, then that must be the case, and at least the heart of the matter was struck and those involved were open and understanding. If a separation must be made it will likely be on civil terms.

Other times, however, a voiced concern of this kind, brought up in a way that respects the other person, will bring about an agreement or an alteration in the other person’s behavior or decisions. Again, this is their choice, but if they want to be considerate – or uphold their responsibilities – or do better for themselves – or treat people differently (or whatever the concern had to do with), then they will be able to make the change themselves.

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What This Might Look Like

Now that some base understanding has been established about an ethical method to bring up concerns, I’m going to run through what this might look like in an actual conversation between two people, Person A and Person B. 

(Obviously such a conversation could go on for hours, and could deal with an infinite number of topics, but here I will provide just enough conversational sustenance to show this kind of communication at work)

A / B: (Small talk blah blah blah)

A: So, B, I wanted to tell you today that I’ve been thinking about how you’ve had the opportunity to go out a lot more with all the money you’ve saved up. I know that you’ve had a lot of fun but I know you’re doing way more drinking, too, and I wanted to talk to you about it.

B: Ah, yeah about that. It has been a lot of fun lately, but yeah what’s got you bothered about drinking?

A: Maybe not bothered, but definitely something I just wanted to voice to you as a friend. I don’t really remember you drinking a few months ago and I don’t know for sure but from what I know you’re drinking almost nightly, and I know you’re driving a lot of the time, too. Its been something I’ve been waiting to bring up because I obviously want to know where you’re coming from. Brian and Steve were upset about it, too, because I think they feel like you treat them a lot differently when you’ve had a few. 

B: Yeah well going out is something I’ve made a point to do more of lately because I love to meet people and with all my working I didn’t have time before. And yeah I have been drinking too, I think it just comes to the territory. I dunno I guess it just happens sometimes, plus it always feels good and helps me just vibe with people. The driving thing is definitely something I could stop doing, but sometimes the guys who were supposed to drive are so much more hammered than me. I had no idea about Brian and Steve, though…

A: I’m not here to boss you around, obviously, but I remember you were always very much against drunk driving and I wasn’t exactly sure if you were doing it or not so I wanted to bring it up. I know it was never something you were cool with, and I think that even though you’re out meeting new people have having a blast you can at least secure a ride or decide not to drink for a night. You need that money to save up for the car, anyway, right? Brian and Steve basically feel like you ignore them and try to talk over them when they’re around you drunk. Its not like they dislike you now, they just don’t know where you’re coming from with all of this. I can see it, too.

B: Yeah I should probably talk to them. The driving issue is something I’ve made a point to work on, too. I have to change that I know…

A: I just wanted to bring these things to the surface in terms of what we were concerned about for your health and for our friendships. Obviously you know driving drunk is ridiculously dangerous, but you might not have known how we’ve been feeling about it and about how we’ve felt when we’re around you drinking.

B: Yeah a appreciate it, I need some time to think…

From here, Person A might lean in more strongly in totally preventing the drinking and driving, and Person B will have to take new inputs into consideration and reevaluate some life choices and lifestyle issues. All in all everyone was respected, openness was maintained, but clarity was brought down onto the issues at hand.

Something I wanted to draw out a bit. Better than yelling at people to “****ing change.”

To be honest, its not the method or the order of how these things are brought up or said as much as it is keeping the important principles in place. 

The basic important principles here seem to be:

1. The facilitation of open communication 
2. A respect for one another as our own decision makers.

I find these tenants particularly important, and the ideas put down here – such as getting the person’s perspective on their own issue before assuming things about the issue, or such as “voicing concerns” over “barking commands” – are basically just tools to be used towards those ends.

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