Here’s a bunch of my personal notes from an inquiry on Integrity and Congruence. I argue that the

repercussions of living without this inner harmony has detrimental spill-over in many facets of

our lives:

Didn’t clean it us a tremendous amount to get “bloggy,” its just cold content, a mesh of a lot of schools of thought and insight.

Enjoy.

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Congruence means ‘in agreement or harmony.’ When I talk about congruence in terms of self development, I’m referring to a general sense of integrity within ourselves and with our behavior.

This implies understanding what you want to achieve in your life and acting in accordance. This implies understanding who you want to be and what virtues you want to exemplify in your life and acting in accordance. This implies knowing what youwant to experience in your life and acting in accordance.

Having this degree of real self understanding is massively valuable in life. Again, so much of our stress and anxiety originates from not understanding what we want, and from not actually taking action on what we want. Settling most of this works wonders.

I’m going to drop a bunch of mindset ideas onto the board right now and let you all soak them in. Like I said before this is big picture stuff, this is how we tie these ideas together into a way of living on our own terms.

COMPLAINING

Have you ever known anyone who was doing something but complaining about it the entire time? Kids do this all the time with schoolwork or sports practice, or fixing their car, etcetera. Basically anything that isn’t immediately fun or entertaining is put in the “complain” category.

I’m going to pose something to you guys, I’m going to throw out a perspective and see if it resonates with you. I pose that when people complain about something while they’re doing it, the issue is not the activity itself, but the fact that the person doing it is not sure enough that this is his best action and is not confident enough to make a clear determination and stick with it. If your car tire runs flat and you have to pull over to put it up on the jack, do get pissed and kick your car door? Do you curse your car and your life?

We’ve all seen people freak out on their cars when something like this happens, and the reason its ridiculous is because its a completely useless expenditure of energy. Kicking the car doesn’t fix it, and it also doesn’t help you avoid the issue in the future, it just adds another car door ding to your list of expenses.

You could say the same about a big assignment like an essay. Sometimes you’ll see someone writing an essay and they’ll say “man this sucks, I wish I could be at the beach” or “I’d so much rather be playing mini-golf” or whatever.

Again, I’ll pose they complain partially because they don’t have a clear enough concept of what is best for them in their lives, or what they want out of life and what that requires, and so they act on objectives – like schoolwork or fixing their car – out of a sense of “should” and “have to,” and they resist it the entire time.

Someone who exhibits congruence would probably not prefer a flat tire, but if their best rationally determined action is to fix the car (or apply the spare) – given where they want to be and who they want to me – then they’ll fix the car.Why resist the best action? This doesn’t happen unless you never confidently come to conclude what is genuinely best for you. The thing is, you can’t do that unless you understand yourself and are settled within yourself.

In the eyes of the congruent individual, reality is as such, his values are as such, and his objectives are as such. An action is chosen and followed through on, period.

Granted we can calculate the ramifications of every action and thought we ever have, but someone who is settled in themselves will be able to make a best determination and have the confidence and wherewithal to follow through. Decisiveness comes naturally from a clear understanding of the “what”s and “why”s of our lives.

TWO-FACED TENDENCIES

Lets go to another example. Do any of you know someone who conveys a different self to different people? They might totally agree with one person on a certain topic, and then agree completely with someone else who has an opposite view. I think the term “two faced” implies malice, but to be honest I feel that most of these people aren’t consciously malicious – though I’m sure some of them are.

Sometimes the matters at hand are trivial, and the individual tells one friend he likes vanilla ice cream best and he tells his other friend that strawberry is his favorite. This is silly but harmless. What if the matter at hand is more serious? What if this person is talking about who to blame for a conflict within a group of friends, and they end up siding with whoever they are talking to. This is remarkably common, right?

Again I’m going to get bold here and pose an idea to you all. This is something you can take or leave on your own accord of course, but hear me out. I pose that one reason why someone will put up all these fronts with different people is because they do not have a clear conception of their own standards, values, and preferences. They wait for other people to tell them what is right, what is important, even what flavor of soft serve tastes good. They are so disconnected and unsettled from any kind of self understanding or firm beliefs of their own that they talk and act in completely opposite ways around different people.

They haven’t developed the capacity to make distinctions for themselves and stick by them as real and authentic.

ACHIEVING THE OBJECTIVES OF OTHERS

Another example: have you ever met someone who always seems to be running around for everyone else? These people make commitments with anyone who asks for a favor. If someone asks for help on an essay or needs someone to cover for them in a volleyball game or needs a ride to the airport, this person just agrees to it.

Consequently these people get run into the ground, right? They have so much of other people’s stuff to get done they barely have time for themselves. They rush to fulfill the objectives of others while their own goals aren’t met. At the same time, they commit to so much that often they forget their commitments or they are unable to fulfill them all – and sometimes this gives them a bad wrap. Seems so unfair, huh?

Time to pose another congruence idea. See if this one clicks, again I’m just putting this out there for you to gauge on your own. I pose that these people spend their time running around doing everyone else’s stuff because they don’t have a firm enough idea of what their own “stuff” is, and how to move it forward.

If you find someone who is always rushing around for other people, I encourage you to ask them what’s most important in their own lives and how they plan on going about it. I am almost guaranteeing and you will not get more than a vague, blurry, and broken vision. Here’s why:

If you don’t know how much you have on your plate in terms of projects and objectives, and someone you know requests a bit of your help, your mind will probably first look at your own life and determine if such a commitment is viable.

If your idea of your own aspirations or personal responsibilities and projects look like a gooey grey mass because you haven’t determined any of it firmly, then you’ll refer to that grey mass and assume that you can fit something else in there. And you agree.

On the other hand, if you have your purpose defined, and your specific short and long term objectives defined with next steps to take on each one, then when someone asks for your help on their own project or endeavor, you are no longer referencing a gooey grey mass of pseudo-ideas, you are looking at a well orchestrated map of your future and of your current allocation of time and energy. Hence, you will now make a rational determination depending on your actual ability to take on more activity, instead of aimlessly taking on obligations.

NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH ON PLANS

Have you ever known someone who is always saying they are going to do something, but they never do?

A common example is the person who drinks and says “oooh man, drinking sucks I seriously don’t want to drink anymore, seriously!” Then three days later they’re puking over a toilet saying the same BS?

Why is this? Why?

This happens because the person has to real standards for how they will act and what they have determined to be best for them given what they value in life. They probably don’t make any decisions based on their personal ideals and standards. The way they act with drinking is probably the way they act with everything.

If its perceived to be pleasant – and its a common behavior – then they partake in it. When there’s some pain associated to it, they totally bail on it… until they don’t feel so bad and they run the same circuit.

If there are no deeper understanding in terms of what you stand by as a person, if there is no pain and pleasure attached to real outcomes you want in your life, and the person you want to be – then you can’t help but be yanked by pleasure and pain in the present – you can’t help but be incongruent.

BOREDOM

We could say that someone who is bored just doesn’t have adequate stimulation or material around him to keep his brain occupied. Or we could say that the stimulation doesn’t fit to his specific interests or even to his values, and so he experiences the frustration of boredom.

The ‘quick and cheesy tip’ for this issue of boredom might be to remember to bring around a book when going to the bank or to have fun music to play in the car at all times or to avoid places that don’t offer enough stimulation or information.

These might be good tips, but I think that there is a deeper kind of development that we can achieve that strikes at the root of all boredom: being disengaged in the environment / with our live sin general.

I argue that if you know what you value and are actively oriented toward the attainment of your ideals, being who you want to be, and experiencing what you want to experience, you will always find a way to engage the present moment to exemplify your kind of excellence.

You could lock me in a dark room for 2 hours, and so long as I knew I wasn’t getting locked in forever (in which case I’d be franticly scrambling to get out), I would not get bored. I could do calisthenics, I could give time management speeches to imaginary audiences, I could focus intensely on all that I’m grateful for in my life, I could visualize my desired future, I could catch up on sleep.

The possibilities are always endless, if you seek to engage yourself in life you will find ways to do so – you will find ways to enjoy and learn from the present and orient yourself towards your ideals despite your surroundings – which is fulfilling in itself.

I will wager that the person you know to be bored more than anyone else has a very weak idea of what they enjoy in life, of what they want to do and who they want to be. Hold me to that one. If they did, they would DO SOMETHING about it in the present moment.

LACK OF DRIVE AND MOTIVATION

We might argue that someone without drive or ‘motivation’ is in a situation that lacks opportunity, or that he is born a more lazy person, or that he just doesn’t want to do ‘big things’ – and that doesn’t make him “bad,” does it?

A ‘lazy’ person just has weak reasons to do anything. If he had strong reasons to get up and accomplish something, or develop himself, or help others, or create works of art – he would do it. He just isn’t connected to what is compelling within himself – he isn’t connected to his own deepest values – to what brings him joy – to his dreams.

If he understood what was valuable to him in terms of relationships, fun activities, tasks related to his highest and most desirable goals – he would be striving every second of his life.

If he only had that degree of self understanding, then by virtue of congruence he would not be able to stay away from striving for his ideals – be they huge or small.

ISSUES WITH SELF IMAGE

Some people take the judgements of others to heart, or they take external failures to heart. It seems like these people might just be more ’sensitive’ than others. Their feelings are more easily hurt than most.

Band-aide solution: Tell the person to keep their head up, not feel so bad, and try again. Tell them that they are a winner for keeping up the effort.

Again, I argue that a much deeper issue is underlying this apparent ’sensitivity.’ I argue that a person who is so negatively effected by outside events – such as the judgement of others or apparent ‘failures’ – is in fact just unsure of their own traits and of what constitutes merit for them.

Their identity is not clear at all, so when someone else has a response to them, this is dictating reality to them, that is telling them the kind of person they are. They depend upon the response to see their identity.

Someone who knows the path they are on, who has made their own real distinctions about right and wrong, cool and uncool – they are rooted within themselves in that they know who they are and what they stand for. Outside events happen and people make judgements, but they have their own firm determination of their purpose and standards, and so they don’t feel like a ‘bad person’ and they don’t feel ‘out of place’ when other people respond to them negatively.

The sensitive person merely needs to get a grip on who they are and what they stand for, this will eliminate 98% of their dependance on other people to tell them their worth or quality.

Someone settled in their own world, someone who has determined his path and his character firmly – he will not be disturbed. His reality rests on internal pillars, not external ones.

INDECISION

This idea ties into the ideas of ‘boredom,’ ‘complaining’ and ‘not following through on plans.’

Essentially, someone who understands what they want to do, who they want to be, and what they want to experience will much more easily come to conclusions as to what is best for him in his life than someone with only very value, socially defined standards for themselves.

Someone connected to himself in this way will be able to identify what is best for him because he has a path to follow, while indecision typically plagues he who has no idea what he wants, why he wants it, or how to get it. Such a person will live in indecision.

Someone with a firm idea as to what they want, why they want it, and how they will get it will always be able to come to at least a direction to head in – if not a specific plan.

DEPENDENCE ON PRESENT STIMULUS

Someone who has no idea of what they value, of who they want to be, and of where they’re going with their lives will be very easily swayed by stimulus in the present.

Just like the person who couldn’t follow through on plans – they get sucked into what looks appealing at the time. Someone else has an idea that seems cool – someone else has a sense of certainty – they the incongruent person chases that.

They will tend to respond much more to what seems pleasurable in the moment, avoiding what seems painful in the moment – so much so that it will seem as though they are going against what they value because they do things like lie to friends or steal.

In fact, this isn’t really going against their standards because they don’t really have standards, they have vague ideas of how they ’should’ act, and these reasons are not true to them as individuals.

Someone rooted within can see genuine value in what they stand for. They have made “firm distinctions” (important bit of jargon) about what is important to them, about the kind of behavior they want to permit from themselves and others, about what they aim to do and who they aim to be. The standards that they are connected to within themselves provide pleasure when exemplified, and provide pain when violated.

Hence, the congruent person will have internal factors that they stay consistent to, and they are not only pushed and pulled by the apparent pains and pleasures around them in the present, but they are pushed and pulled by a commitment to what is important to them as people.

Here I’ve just put forward a bunch of different situations in which a lack of congruence plays a role. In the example of the person who resists the present activity, the individual lacks the ability to look at their situation and their own values and objectives in an accurate fashion. This being the case they cannot confidently commit to a course of action without resisting it or double-thinking it – they are not settled. In the second example, the gossiping individual has no firm sense of what is cool, or of what is right or wrong in their own world, and so they incongruently bend their supposed intent to random social pressure – they are not settled. In the third example, the busy body has no idea of his own life’s objectives and of what it will take to get to them, he lacks that crucial self-understanding and so bends to the requests of everyone around him – he is not settled. In the third example, the individual makes a vow to himself to avoid something, but the vow is based on nothing inside himself, it is based on pain in the present moment. As soon as it disappears he acts against what some part of him probably recognizes is best – he is not settled.

This idea of congruence basically implies living on your own terms completely and by your own standards.

It is obvious that this idea of congruence is not the only psychological factor at play in these imaginary scenarios, and its also not the only potentially valid perspective to take on these scenarios. In the first example, the anger might arise more from a surprised disappointment than from an ignorance or lack of confidence in terms of what the best action is. In the second example the gossiping individual might have pressing issues with self esteem and so depends on the acceptance and approval of others. In the third example the man running around doing other people’s tasks might hold exceptionally high standards for himself in terms of making his family and friends productive and joyous. Who knows?

The fact of the matter is – in my humble opinion and empirical first hand experience – getting an understanding of your purpose, of your own values, and of your own distinctions on how to live in accordance with your ideals, a lot of these other petty issues in your life start to straiten themselves out so easily. Soooo easily.

Its not like “okay, self-help book time, I’ll use technique 546 and when I feel resistance well up inside me, I’ll breathe in 13 times slowly through my left nostril…” And look, I have nothing against self-help books or teachings, I guess technically I fit in that category although I don’t use that term too much. But yeah a lot of that stuff is great stuff, but what if we were able to strike at it from a deeper level in terms of coming to meaningful evaluations of the world based on your own standards as a human being and acting along with your ideas in accordance?

Now we’re not as much talking about tips and tricks, we’re talking about personal identity and empowering ways to move through every facet of our experience. Now, you see, we’re talking not so much about the “doing” – about following steps and using memorized techniques – but more about the “being” – about living as a settled, confident, STRONG individual. This is a major aim for me in self-development terms, this kind of change in our deeper nature to becoming a more at ease, capable, joyous, bold person, and I’d certainly want you all to be able to strive for that as well.

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There seems to be a theme in the above issues. All issues obviously stem from a lack of congruence and integrity.

They all also seem to have to do with a form of indecision or lack of initiative.

BOREDOM – we cannot find something to do to stimulate or engage our minds

INDECISION – we cannot determine which actions to choose because we have no real reference

TWO-FACED TENDENCIES – we cannot determine which side to take because we aren’t sure ourselves

LACK OF DRIVE AND MOTIVATION – we aren’t compelled to act and so we stagnate

NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH ON PLANS -  we aren’t connected to anything compelling in the plans we committed to, and so we do nothing about actually acting on them

ACHIEVING THE OBJECTIVE OF OTHERS – we have nothing to act upon for ourselves and we find ourselves experiencing cognitive dissonance for picking up everyone else’s chores

This theme of indecision is likely because without an understanding of what we value in life, or where we want to be, or how to get there – we cannot adequately act. Decisions are more difficult when there is no meta-purpose to base them off of. Even the decision to make a business’s purpose one of profit is a decision that is either based on what a business is ’supposed’ to be based off of, or it is based upon what we genuinely value in a business to suppose our highest aims.

Having this internal reference provides clarity in terms of what is best for us in our own determination, and it also provides ‘motivation’ in that we follow through due to an action’s relation to what we value most in life.

Many of them also have to do with what looks to be a kind of dependence:

ISSUES WITH SELF IMAGE – dependence on the judgements of others to validate you

COMPLAINING – dependence on ease and pleasure in the present moment

BOREDOM – dependence on specific stimulation in the present moment

TWO-FACED TENDENCIES – dependence on the acceptance and validation of others

DEPENDENCE ON PRESENT STIMULUS – dependence on pain and pleasure in the present to leverage our decisions for us

This dependence likely springs forth from the fact that we are unable to provide ourselves with intellectual stimulation to be engaged in life, we are unable to determine the merit of ourselves, our actions, or our views.

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