Archive for the ‘Friendship / Relationship’ Category
Recently I’ve given some thought to an issue that has arisen in some of my own friendships. Of course this blog isn’t an advice column, but I wanted to take a look at a particular part of the friendship dynamic. The issue is: How do we talk to someone about a behavior / choice / activity with concern?
The issue is not quite as simple as it may look. Of course it is infinitely more complex when we talk about involving the other individual’s perception – but just in the context of the potential struggle within ourselves, we might see this potential dilemma.
- It wouldn’t be right for us to give commands to the other person in terms of how they should live their lives. We’d like to respect our friend as a responsible, conscious individual who has their own perspective and makes their own best determinations about what to do.
- It wouldn’t be right for us to go against our best judgement and to withhold a real issue or concern with someone we care for – especially if we wish to voice such a concern in order to benefit our friend or prevent them from harm.
So maybe a friend has has been binge drinking a lot lately, or maybe they have been working on career-oriented projects and not spending as much time with friends, or maybe they haven’t seemed as excited or engaged in their lives anymore. How do we approach the situation and talk to them about the issue?
Giving Them Voice
It has to be mentioned that before confronting the friend about potentially questioning one of their practices or about making a change in their lives and behaviors, it is important to get their perspective first.
In other words, before saying “Hey Jeff, I cam here to tell you that you should stop drinking so much,” its probably more appropriate to say “Jeff, you’re drinking concerned me lately, I wanted to bring up the issue with you as a friend and see when you’re coming from.”
Following this procedure respects the other person in the sense that you are not assuming you understand everything that they do or everything thats going on in their lives. This gives them the opportunity (if they choose to take it) to lay out what’s going on in their lives from their own perspective – which we will respect (as we respect our own judgement in our own lives).
Sometimes, understanding where the other person is coming from clears up any potential issues that may have been looming. Sometimes this is not the case, and we still wish to voice our concern…
Genuinely Expressing Concern
After giving the other person room to open up on the issue themselves, we can now come forward ourselves – given that our own perspective now includes the perspective of the other person. Now we aren’t coming across like a know-it-all, we’ve taken their side of the story into the equation.
When we come forward, it is more ethically sound that we do so in the spirit of expressing in concern and not instructing or voicing a command. Again, this person will ultimately make their own decisions as a free and responsible individual. We are bringing an issue to light and not aiming to grab the steering wheel of someone else’s life.
We basically express that there are choices or behaviors that we believe might be detrimental to the person themselves, or to others – and we want to bring some points into their awareness and let them know where we are coming from…
The Ball is in Their Court
Again, all we have done here is given the other person additional thoughts to consider. We haven’t forced them down any paths, only framed our concern from a place of caring.
After the concerns are voiced (either right there or over a span of time), the person we are speaking with will filter your input through their reality and come up with their own conclusions as to what is the best path to take from here.
Sometimes, this choice will not jive with someone’s terms of the friendship, or it will not jive with other commitments – such as mutual business responsibilities.
If that must be the case, then that must be the case, and at least the heart of the matter was struck and those involved were open and understanding. If a separation must be made it will likely be on civil terms.
Other times, however, a voiced concern of this kind, brought up in a way that respects the other person, will bring about an agreement or an alteration in the other person’s behavior or decisions. Again, this is their choice, but if they want to be considerate – or uphold their responsibilities – or do better for themselves – or treat people differently (or whatever the concern had to do with), then they will be able to make the change themselves.
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What This Might Look Like
Now that some base understanding has been established about an ethical method to bring up concerns, I’m going to run through what this might look like in an actual conversation between two people, Person A and Person B.
(Obviously such a conversation could go on for hours, and could deal with an infinite number of topics, but here I will provide just enough conversational sustenance to show this kind of communication at work)
A / B: (Small talk blah blah blah)
A: So, B, I wanted to tell you today that I’ve been thinking about how you’ve had the opportunity to go out a lot more with all the money you’ve saved up. I know that you’ve had a lot of fun but I know you’re doing way more drinking, too, and I wanted to talk to you about it.
B: Ah, yeah about that. It has been a lot of fun lately, but yeah what’s got you bothered about drinking?
A: Maybe not bothered, but definitely something I just wanted to voice to you as a friend. I don’t really remember you drinking a few months ago and I don’t know for sure but from what I know you’re drinking almost nightly, and I know you’re driving a lot of the time, too. Its been something I’ve been waiting to bring up because I obviously want to know where you’re coming from. Brian and Steve were upset about it, too, because I think they feel like you treat them a lot differently when you’ve had a few.
B: Yeah well going out is something I’ve made a point to do more of lately because I love to meet people and with all my working I didn’t have time before. And yeah I have been drinking too, I think it just comes to the territory. I dunno I guess it just happens sometimes, plus it always feels good and helps me just vibe with people. The driving thing is definitely something I could stop doing, but sometimes the guys who were supposed to drive are so much more hammered than me. I had no idea about Brian and Steve, though…
A: I’m not here to boss you around, obviously, but I remember you were always very much against drunk driving and I wasn’t exactly sure if you were doing it or not so I wanted to bring it up. I know it was never something you were cool with, and I think that even though you’re out meeting new people have having a blast you can at least secure a ride or decide not to drink for a night. You need that money to save up for the car, anyway, right? Brian and Steve basically feel like you ignore them and try to talk over them when they’re around you drunk. Its not like they dislike you now, they just don’t know where you’re coming from with all of this. I can see it, too.
B: Yeah I should probably talk to them. The driving issue is something I’ve made a point to work on, too. I have to change that I know…
A: I just wanted to bring these things to the surface in terms of what we were concerned about for your health and for our friendships. Obviously you know driving drunk is ridiculously dangerous, but you might not have known how we’ve been feeling about it and about how we’ve felt when we’re around you drinking.
B: Yeah a appreciate it, I need some time to think…
From here, Person A might lean in more strongly in totally preventing the drinking and driving, and Person B will have to take new inputs into consideration and reevaluate some life choices and lifestyle issues. All in all everyone was respected, openness was maintained, but clarity was brought down onto the issues at hand.
Something I wanted to draw out a bit. Better than yelling at people to “****ing change.”
To be honest, its not the method or the order of how these things are brought up or said as much as it is keeping the important principles in place.
The basic important principles here seem to be:
- The facilitation of open communication
- A respect for one another as our own decision makers.
I find these tenants particularly important, and the ideas put down here – such as getting the person’s perspective on their own issue before assuming things about the issue, or such as “voicing concerns” over “barking commands” – are basically just tools to be used towards those ends.
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Today something dawned on me. I know some people who are capable of giving very poignant, insightful advice when others ask for perspective. In a compassionate way, they calmly collect the facts, find proper ways to present them, and talk about dealing with the issue itself.
Yet… at the same time, these same people are capable of the most absurdly irrational decisions and states.
I started to think if we all didn’t exhibit this dichotomy. We all experience something different every day, every moment – of course we’ll have times where we are more rational than others… right?
Even given the fact that we’re in different situations constantly, somethings still seemed off. How could the same person be able to totally loose themselves in a seemingly silly situation, but at the same time be able to advise others (in the most calm of fashions) through a similar situation?
Some obvious reasons came to the fore:
- If your car breaks down, you are likely to be more frustrated that you are when your friend tells you that his car has broken down. Hence, it is easier to be “emotionally detached” when you’re concerns are not as involved.
- One day we might be in an incredibly relaxed state (maybe we spent the day reading – focusing on pleasant things – and just got out of a warm bath) while another day we might be tense or frustrated (maybe we haven’t slept in a long time because of a project at work, and we’ve been focusing on our inability to accomplish the task). Hence, we have some variability in terms of our bodies and our surroundings that can effect our emotional state and bring about different responses.
What came to my mind, though, was something completely different than the above factors. I thought about how our context effects how we perceive ourselves or our world, and about how that can effect our behavior. I refer to the different “selves” or variations of demeanor / traits that we exhibit as “social imprints.”
Do you notice the way you talk when you’re alone in a room with a grandparent, as opposed to when you’re alone in a room with a friend from school?
Have you noticed a cashier at the counter communicate differently with you than with their coworkers?
Have you ever noticed how a sports coach might act different on the field than he does when he goes out by himself to the bar?
Different settings warant different behavior, obviously. I cannot “do” the same things in a library as I could on a saturday night on the dance floor. Theoretically I could, but my actions would be out of place. This is easily understood.
HOWEVER, I pose that something more significant is going on:
When we are in a given context, we associate certain thoughts, rules, and behaviors with that context (many times this is easy to see in social contexts). Our associations immediately have in influence on “who we will be” in that context. We cue off of these contextual hints to determine how we will present ourselves, how we will walk, talk, think, even feel.
Some contexts might make us feel good and give us access to fully express ourselves freely. Other contexts might generally give us access to limited internal resources.
For instance, some people might be tremendously social, loud, expressive, and fun at the bar every weekend, yet be extremely quite in a classroom setting.
Lets say this person doesn’t drink – what is the difference between his “bar self” and “class self?” Maybe he’s more tired during the day, maybe he doesn’t eat breakfasts and often feels stomach pain in morning classes. Or… just maybe… he associates the bar with certain activities, certain ways of behaving and levels of fun. He might see the bar as less judgmental, and more socially active. Because perceives the bar to be different than the classroom, he doesn’t end up socializing.
Sometimes, we have access to an imprint that we deem to be best for us in the present moment. We feel and think exactly as we would like to. This might come in the form of confidence, expressiveness, friendliness, etc…
Other times, we notice that we do not have access to all the internal resources we would like in the present situation
So how does this relate to the example we started off with in this article?
I pose that when someone comes to us and sits us down to talk about an issue of theirs, the context is conducive to an “imprint” of a rational, calm, positive “self.”
In the particular context of this example, we see a friend approach us as though we were the giver of answers, as though we already had the ability to grant positive wisdom. Hence, we feel imbued with this ability ourselves.
It is often said that we see ourselves as we think others see us, we believe about ourselves what others believe in us. This social psychology theory may be a subset of the general idea that in different social contexts (and contexts in general) we have access to different imprints.
NOTE:
It should be understood that not all imprints come about through a change in social interaction. For instance, we may walk differently an have a different facial expression when we are out in an open sunny field than if we are walking through a dimly lit, creepy basement – or we may access a different “self” when we’re alone and working out as opposed to when we’re alone reading a book.
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We aught to be aware of these different “selves” that we express in certain instances.
How do we act differently around our parents and our friends?
How do we act in class or at work and how do we act outside these contexts?
In what ways to we change our expression, speech, etc… when we feel as though we are being judged as opposed to not being judged?
MOST IMPORTANTLY:
What triggers do we use to access these different “imprints?” Do you only express yourself most openly when you feel as though you are the leader? Do you only express your “real” self when you know someone for 6 months… a year? When hanging out with a group of people, do we have access to our highest self only when we believe ourselves to be better (in some regard) than the other members of our group?
At any given time, if you aren’t feeling like you have access to the resources (possibly of creativity, of confidence, of excitement) that you want in that moment, you likely have some rules for switching imprints that are restricting you from doing so. Determine what you want to feel, and come to understand how (in other times in your life) you gained access to that “self.”
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This is actually something I’ve been planning on doing for quite a while now, and since my Productivity Heat Mapping life experiment is over, I have resources to hone in on a new, interesting, fulfilling facet of life: Connection.
Given my recent inner involvement with the people I am closest to, I am surprised to find that in my understanding of the fulfillment and living an engaged life, I have yet to focus specifically on relationships.
Given this new experiment, I’m going to be spending less time writing and far more time hitting the gym with friends, organizing summer social events, doing karaoke, hitting the bars, and generally involving myself with the bonds I have forged and would like to forge.
Understanding social dynamics and “best practices” for having fulfilling relationships with others is going to now be the majority of my focus for the entire months of June and July.
At least 50% of my work will be related to friendship, and I will periodically post specifically about my experiences and understandings here in this post (in addition to the other articles I write).